The Zimmer Boys on Tour
Northampton Town v Gillingham – Gills cobble a point
Published by Simon Head on July 21, 2008
Friday afternoon on the M25 and the M1. Not our favourite idea of a pleasant drive, but the traffic kept moving and we arrived in Northamptonshire nearly four hours early. What the hell was there to do in a place whose only claim to fame was a load of old boots? And then it was obvious. There was a sign on the roundabout that said “Althorp House”. Family home of the late Diana, Princess Of Wales no less, so it was a no-brainer that we should go and pay our respects.
Of course, being mid-February the place was all shut up. What to do? We’re getting a bit old for bunking over fifteen-foot walls. Then we had a brainwave. We stood in front of the gates and shouted “Princess Diana was assassinated by MI6 acting on the direct instructions of Prince Phillip” and the gates immediately swung open. It was like “Open Sesame” in Aladdin, and we were in and down by the lake to pay our respects at her island tomb. But there was one problem. We were driving a white Fiat Uno, and suddenly two burly Harrods Security Men jumped out of the bushes. One of them was as big as Rik Waller, and the other one was a big bald bloke who looked like Richard Hill.
“Oi, Fiat Uno Driver” shouted the Richard Hill one, “we’ve been looking for you for ten years. Mr Mohammed Al Flyhead wants to speak to you. You’re coming with us.” No way we thought, we’re off to the match. What do we do? Suddenly, Len Catheter spotted a mouldy chicken chow mein, still in its box, lying near the bush. It must’ve been there since last summer. Anyway, having read in the papers this week about Hilly’s contribution to Anglo-Sino relations Len thought the Richard Hill bloke might enjoy a bit of chinese, so Len picked up the mouldy chow mein and chucked it in his face. That gave us the diversion we needed to make our escape, especially when we heard the Rik Waller one start complaining that there was no soy sauce. We were away down the drive in our white Fiat Uno, dodging the fusillade of empty Harrods Christmas hampers that were being thrown at us by other Al Flyhead agents who were lurking about. Then it was back down the A428 to Sixfields Stadium.
Now for us older fans, watching Gills at Northampton used to mean a trip to the County Ground. A strange experience watching a Gills game there, as it doubled with the cricket. You had the footie stuff down one side and one and a half ends, and cricket for the rest. But these days it would be quite in vogue. The cricket pavilion would mean that it catered for other sports, so you could get all year round income. And there was a hotel on the site as well – The County Hotel no less. Put a casino at long leg and you wonder why they left it all to go to Sixfields. Maybe they should pay some consultants £40,000 to recommend they go back there. Very strange. Cobblers, in fact!
The big news inside the ground was that Big Ron Manager had repaired Gary The Goal Machine. Some new cogs, a tightening of the belts, perhaps a bit of Bostik borrowed from a local shoemaker to ensure he’d last, and Goal Machine Gary was ready to be unleashed on the unsuspecting Cobblers. And Little Mac up front with him. Otherwise it was the expected line-up.
For the first twenty minutes we had some pretty nondescript stuff, and you began to think of other things, like whether that ‘orrible bald-headed ginger git on Eastenders was getting his leg over street-wise Stacey again, when – bang! Matthew “Brilliant! Just brilliant!” Jarvis had a lob tipped onto the bar and over. That’s more like it! Problem was, instead of inspiring us it inspired the Cobblers to put us under some heavy pressure. Le Keeper had to do his stuff with a couple of smart saves, they smacked one against the post, and Leon Johnson blocked a pile-driver. This was starting to look serious, but their fifteen minute barrage was lifted by the skipper, who belted a twenty-yard pile-driver just past the right-hand post. Their keeper was well short of it, and from the left hand seats it looked well in – only it wasn’t. Boo!
So 0-0 at half-time, and we felt it could be our night. After ten minutes we felt even more that it could be our night, when Cobbler Kirk miss-kicked in front of an open goal from three yards which would have even embarrassed Bas Savage. And on the hour we felt it really WAS going to be our night when the Cobblers didn’t clear a Matthew Jarvis centre from the right. Little Mac was on the left of the goal, and he looped a header over and across and into the top corner. YEESSS!!!
So all it needs is a clean sheet and we’re home and dry. Problem is, you’re more likely to find a clean sheet in a Glasgow brothel on Burns’ Night than at a Gillingham away game. Could we hack and slash our way through the final thirty minutes? Could our French Connection, Monsieur Larrieu, marshall his new chums to do the bizz? We must say, we’ve always been intrigued as to how footballers of different nationalities communicate under pressure. Le Keeper chose a mix of Louis XIV and Estuary – “Ecoutez-moi! Clear la balle vous effin’ donquee” – that sort of thing, but it worked. We took a twenty minute hammering, and survived it.
Mind you, it was pretty hairy at times. A low centre flashed across goal and three Cobblers failed to connect, Mike Flynn hooked a spinning ball off the line when facing goalwards, the referee missed a muscular shirt-tug by Ben Chorley that even Blind Pugh would have spotted, another attack was charged down by weight of numbers, and a shot which swirled over Le Keeper struck the bar. But overall this was good stuff, because we looked pretty assured. The usual kamikaze defending had been left somewhere down the M1, and we saw the back four playing much more as a unit. In particular there was a good understanding between Chorley and Johnson.
With the clock ticking down Northampton looked blown out, and very much a side facing their tenth home defeat of the season. But we would have to get these points with a clean sheet, because apart from the goal, up front we’d looked pretty inept. With three minutes left the Cobblers attacked down their right and it looked like Danny Jackman had plenty of time to clear into touch. Cobbler Aiston charged his kick down, it broke badly for us and Aiston had a clear run through. He cut in, and squared it to Cobbler Robertson. He got in front of the defence and hooked it low inside the near post from ten yards, giving Le Keeper no chance.
1-1. Merde!!!
Although the Zimmer Boys were relaxed about the Northampton game and merely regarded it as “fairly routine tripe” many fans who’d braved the vagaries of the M25 and M1 on a Friday evening were not best pleased. Their humour was stretched even more when, on the following Tuesday night at Priestfield, an early Ben Chorley howler handed Brighton a 1-0 win, scored by Bas Savage. Yes – THAT Bas Savage. At the end of January the one-goal wonder-boy couldn’t agree a further short-term deal with Gillingham, and washed up on the South Coast, where he now scores more often than Casanova in a Ladies Finishing School. Gillingham meanwhile limped on. The two home games that now followed the expected defeat at League leaders Scunthorpe were more and more seen as must-wins. Gills drew 2-2 with Blackpool, and were good value for their 1-0 win over Crewe. Four points eased the pressure a bit, but with nine games left and only 46 points on the board things were by no means comfortable.
Two tough away games followed, at Nottingham Forest, and then the following Saturday, March 24th at Carlisle. The Zimmer Boys always enjoyed a trip to Carlisle, but as age was beginning to catch up with them they swapped the gruelling fourteen-hour round trip for a Saga Spring Break.
Simon Head
The Zimmer Boys on Tour
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